P.T.S.D:

Past Trauma Stealing My Destiny 

To

Present Triumph Sealing My Deliverance

P.T.S.D.

From Past Trauma Stealing my Destiny to Present Triumph Sealing my Deliverance 

PTSD is the acronym for post traumatic stress disorder. Post traumatic stress disorder is defined as a past traumatic, psychologically painful, event or events which have developed by the physical pressure, pull, or other force exerted on one thing by another, a strain, physical stress, mental, or emotional strain or tension: 

Synonyms: anxiety, burden, pressure, oppression; effort exertion, struggle, strain. 

Physiology. stress; a specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism. (definition from the online dictionary )

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is an event from the Past that severely Traumatized, causing reoccurring Stress so severe it developed a Disorder. A disturbance in physical or mental health, that can cause a disturbance in our daily functions in life. 

Several years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD. 

In 2002 our 24 year old son was killed suddenly in an auto accident. Nine months later we had full custody of his biological two year old son and two bonus babies, a brother 4, and sister 7 years old.

Their biological mother was deeply involved in meth use and production. Three small children were removed from a very dangerous situation and placed with us. I want to say this young mother was suffering from the results of many bad choices in her short life and was void of the knowledge that she could change her destiny by making better choices. 

I believe her beliefs, choices and behavior were directly related as is all of ours. To the way she experienced major life changes in her young life. Our belief about ourselves and the ones who are closest to us shapes who we are and who we become. That which we hold as the truth is what we will filter every thing we experience through. 

Her early choices in life brought her to relationships that used her and threw her away. Leaving her with a child that had birth defects and deficiencies and pregnant with another one.

Many opportunities were given and passed upon by her that would have changed the outcome of her life, our lives and the lives of the children. We tried everything we knew to help her to stay a part of the children lives, only to repeatedly find, she only seemed to be able to think of herself. I have no harsh judgement for her, except for the Grace of God we may have experienced some of the same results by the choices we made. I have grieved deeply for her loss of the children, and the loss of her in our lives.

After two years of noncompliance with DCS and courts instructions, all parental rights were severed. We fostered the children for the two years and then adopted them. 

If we had not been at the hospital for the birth of our grandson, had our daughters father-in-law not gone into the emergency waiting area and saw the kids, told us they were there, we would have lost them forever! 

We were told that because we were not certified foster parents, and the children all had different fathers that we could not take them. I respectfully told the case workers we would do what ever we had to do to have the children safe with us. They were to go to another county into a group home. We were the only constant in their lives since our son had brought their mother and three year old sister to Tennessee, in the last nine weeks of her second pregnancy. Both the boys were born here. We were daily involved as extended family while our son was alive and after his death.

We were the best choice for the emotional, physical and spiritual well being of these little lives. I went to our daughters hospital room, made two calls for intercessory prayer. In the hall just out side our daughters room my husband met me in tears and said to come quick they were going to let us take the children home. 

The miracle timeline of God is staggering. If our daughter had not conceived when she did, if they had not induced her when they did, if her father in law had not gone to the ER when he did, if we had not still been at the hospital. If they had gone to another county to a group home we would have never found them. We would have seen police tape up at their house when we went to check on them but would not have had access to information as to where they were.

This miracle timeline is what has kept us moving forward through the years of struggle and pain. Knowing that only God could have orchestrated this plan to save three small children from a life filled with deep trauma and pain.

The same night we got the children from the Emergency Room, and only two hours after our daughter had given birth to her son. We were full time foster parents to three small children we had dearly loved and cared for the past four years as their grandparents. We were also parents deeply concerned for the safety and well being of their mother and the possibilities her choices could create. We were parents still trying to navigate the grief process. 

Our daughter was in the process of doctors diagnosing a heart arrhythmia which had caused me great fear that I would loose my only other child to death through childbirth The closest one gets to death is giving life.

I was physically having ongoing back, hip and nerve issues. I was unable to stand to cook meals. I sat in a chair on rollers at my stove to cook for our expanded family. I purchased a power chair to be able to do the shopping and to be able to take trips and outings with the children. I was determined to get healthy and be around as long as these babies needed me. I was watching the love of my life stuff down his grief, work harder and labor over how we were going to raise this surprise family. 

I now can see and understand why I had PTSD. During these events I thought we were doing pretty good in the circumstances. God was so close, but I didn’t know to pray for my mental well being I was just struggling to survive and meet the needs of three small children, 7, 4, and 2. While trying desperately to give some quality time to our daughter and new colicky grandson. 

I had developed symptoms over the years that I didn't recognize as PTSD. I thought PTSD was something combat soldiers experienced. When I finally went to a christian counselor and she diagnosed me with PTSD and severe depression I was shocked but relieved. Yes, relieved that there was a reason for all the overwhelming responses I was having to things in my daily life. Relieved that if we could identify it, then we could move forward with understanding it and treating it.

Just a few months ago God gave me a new definitions for PTSD. It is Past Traumatic events, Stealing, my Destiny, events so psychologically painful the emotional strain or tension of remembering them and the effects the event caused, manifests such fear or pain that it steals my future destiny. It imprisons me in the past event, trying to confine me to the limits of the emotional memories of that event. Stealing my freedom to move on without constraint toward my future of happiness, wholeness and peace.

At one time our whole family was seeing a God sent christian counselor. In my opinion we all have varying degrees of PTSD. I believe that most of the people in my life have what could be diagnosed this way. Past traumatic events that caused such stress it has caused serious disorder in our lives.

The following exert is from the web site. www.maketheconnection.net. 

What are the signs of post traumatic stress disorder?

A wide variety of symptoms may be signs that you are experiencing post traumatic stress disorder. The following are some of the most common symptoms of PTSD that you or those around you may have noticed:

• Feeling upset by things that remind you of what happened

• Having nightmares, vivid memories, or flashbacks of the event that make                        you feel like it’s happening all over again

• Feeling emotionally cut off from others

• Feeling numb or losing interest in things you used to care about

• Feeling constantly on guard

• Feeling irritated or having angry outbursts

• Having difficulty sleeping

• Having trouble concentrating

• Being jumpy or easily startled

It’s not just the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder but also how you may react to them that can disrupt your life. You may:

• Frequently avoid places or things that remind you of what happened

• Consistently drink or use drugs to numb your feelings

• Consider harming yourself or others

• Start working all the time to occupy your mind

• Pull away from other people and become isolated

Most medical professionals agree that treatment for PTSD is counseling and medication. 

Counseling or talking about the traumatic event although painful can help you to see the bigger picture. It can help you to discover what happened and develop a better understanding of which events caused the trauma and what was beyond your control or power. Counseling can also help you to better understand that the uncontrollable response to a small event not clearly related to the past trauma is not the issue. Helping you to see what you could have done differently if anything in the event. 

The reality of not being able to change the past, can lock us into a prison of hopelessness and devastating regret. Chaining us to emotions that cause feelings which emotionally trigger the above symptoms. Our reactions to a present event or present stimulation may cause me to respond with totally inappropriate behavior now, because I have not resolved the issues of the past trauma.

These behavioral outburst, addictions, withdrawals and isolating behaviors disrupt our life and the lives of those who love us. The present response to a situation or even a minor statement can trigger an emotional response that is not even related to the present event or circumstance. What we feel and see the people present are trying to do is being filtered through the emotional imprint upon my traumatic brain. Locked in a memory of the past traumatic event. I may be powerless to even connect the two and don’t realize that the past is effecting my present emotional well being and will dramatically influence the feelings and emotions of those who are witnessing my distorted response.

My anger, rage, outburst, withdrawal, codependent behaviors, are responses much like the involuntary sounds of pain when I hit my elbow or stub my toe. They are a response to inner pain. The crying out or curse words I may utter when stubbing my toe, or hitting my elbow are immediate responses to the sudden and shocking physical pain I have just experienced. Although the offending object that I hit or ran into is not to blame, nor can it apologize, the resulting pain is still present and I will have to deal with it according to the degree of injury.

With PTSD one is locked in the memory of the trauma, when stress arises, I may respond as if the present event, is equal or greater than the past event that caused my ordered life to now have a traumatic disorder. Things that are reasonably simple can become massive for me to deal with. 

My emotional outburst or complete withdrawal from people does not fit the situation from the view of others present. They have not experienced the embedding of the very real and uncontrollable pain the original trauma rewired my emotional brain centers with. They are shocked, hurt, and angry that something so small in their estimation invoked such an over the top response from me. 

They will adjust their relationship with me to protect themselves and may even experience some PTSD symptoms of their own.

When I return from the traumatic triggered outburst to my normal state of reasoning, I may or may not realize that I have reacted inappropriately to the present event and may never relate it to an event so traumatic that I now am driven by unhealthy emotions that control my responses to everyday things. 

I may feel guilt and shame at the way I responded, and will inevitably ask myself what was that all about. If I seek to be whole I will admit my inappropriate emotional behavior first to myself and then to those I have released my explosion upon. 

The trauma or events are not being denied. The way I am responding is being honestly and openly acknowledged, defined, and evaluated. The sometimes paralyzing emotions that involuntarily take hold of my body, as a result of my mind and memories being triggered. Are what I am determined to honestly evaluate in the present moment and realign them with the truth of where I am now and what level of recovery of wholeness I desire.  

Not understanding that my brain has been traumatized by an event in my past will imprison me in my now and steal my future. My guilt and shame will isolate me from those who love me and keep me from developing new relationships. Or cause me to judge each person who responds to me in a negative way as being the crazy one and I will continually move from relationship to relationship never admitting it is I who need help.

My intense and wounded emotions will dictate my now and destroy any chance at a happy healthy future. Even when I apologize for my outburst and behavior, the damage cannot just be erased. 

Much like an auto accident, I didn’t intend to crash into someone else's property, but the damage to their body or property is still done. Although I have insurance that will treat it or fix it, they are still having to suffer the loss of their normal routine and quality of life.They will have to adjust to accommodate the insurance timeline until they receive compensation for the event I was responsible for. Even with compensation they may find that the physical abilities or the vehicle they loved is not valued with a replacement amount. Their may be permanent damage or scarring to their physical and emotional person. They may not only suffer the loss of their auto they may be left with less than enough to buy another one. 

My pain and my willingness to admit, address and treat PTSD may be very costly. But without my doing the steps to recover I will always except that the Past Traumas, causing the severe Stress responses, will have my permission to continue to cause Disorder to my future!

I am choosing to trade the PTSD from my past and its attempt to dictate my future through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, along with its intended purpose of Past Trauma Stealing Destiny, for the Present Triumph Sealing my Deliverance!

I will walk in the light of the truth that I am a wounded solider, in this earthly life battle, and war with the knowledge that my old past traumas, can be brought into the light of the whole truth. With the help of the Spirit of Truth, I will except and reconcile my part in the event by balancing the parts that I did, with the parts that were done to me. 

I will forgive those who injured me and untie myself from the restraints that have bound me to the emotions related to the trauma. I believe that the first and maybe the most important step to healing is to forgive the one who’s choices forced me to be traumatically impacted by their behavior or choices. Realizing that forgiving them is not denying they did horrible things to me or those I love. Forgiving them takes the power they imprisoned me with away from them and returns my free will to a healthier state.

It shifts my negative emotions which trigger many and varied emotional responses. From a state of overpowering my mind and emotions, causing physical and emotional responses in my body. Forgiving them sets me free from the psychological chains that have bound me to them through the events or traumas they caused or were a part of.

I will forgive myself for the behavior I have displayed since the original trauma. I will seek forgiveness and offer apologies to those my PTSD related outbursts have affected. 

Please understand my apologies and seeking of forgiveness is not denying the facts. It is relieving the unhealthy pressure I have placed on myself through guilt and shame. 

Guilt because the present recipient of my behavior, was usually innocent from involvement in the originating cause of my PTSD. Shame that I cannot control these responses will drive me away from healthy relationships. Isolating me from the daily healthy joys and experiences of life. 

I must realize that a part of my physical brain has been literally rerouted so as to allow me to survive. This is a present fact, that can be changed allowing for my healing. Now I must reroute or reconnect the correct pathways through embracing truth and forgiveness. I am no longer in the present location or time that caused the original trauma. To be whole I need to wake up from the nightmare of the past dark days. Realize that it is a new day and fight to reconnect the truth of where I am with the truth of who I choose to be. Regardless of my past experiences. 

Most importantly for me, I will give praise for the Spirit of Truth that has shown His light on this thief who has come to steal my destiny of peace and joy. I will take the hand of someone else who is experiencing their destiny being destroyed by past trauma and comfort and encourage them as they walk through their own personal discovery that through hard work, loving family, professional help, and the delivering power of God they too can be free from Past Trauma Stealing their Destiny, and move into the Present Triumph Sealing their Deliverance!

I want to be very clear here. My experience with PTSD is mild. The events that brought me to this place cannot compare to the horrors that other precious people have endured or experienced that landed them in the land of traumatic stress. The endless loop of replays and details remembered, the emotional horror of panic attacks, and the feelings of overwhelming drowning anxiety. Are real. Their minds are exploding with the ever pursuing memories that have guided their choices because of one event. Or maybe from many years of terror and abuse. 

My experience is just that my experience. The experiences and past realities, the memories that trigger unimaginable emotional and physical symptoms are many and varied. They are similar from one person to another. Yet unique to the emotional make up and belief system of each individual. 

I believe that it is necessary to the process of healing to visit the past experiences. Bravely and boldly allow my body and mind to relive the event if necessary. Turn my focus from the details of the event to the present truth. Realizing that I am now no longer living with or in that set of circumstances. Renew my mind and emotions to the present truth. Evicting the ability of the horror of that trauma from occupying vast spaces in my mind and memories. Filling that emotional space with the truth of who I am now. Not focusing on the past trauma, but turning my focus on healing that wounded area. Through applying the healing medication of present truth. 

PTSD can be a horribly dark lonely box. A box I have placed myself in for survival in the moment of unspeakable events in my life. A box with no lights, doors, windows, skylights or basement exits. A place I choose to enclose myself into. A place I have created to feel safe. This same box becomes my prison sealing me in and others out. 

To be whole I have realized that my box created for safety and survival has become my prison. I have decided to tear down those walls that have kept even the light out because of my fear of greater or deeper pain. First I allowed for a window so I could see out. Then created a door so I could come out sometimes and explore a world that no longer held me in the circumstance that drove me to erect this box. 

Then one day I realized that this box was confining and I deserved to be free. I deserved to not be imprisoned in a confined place in my mind and emotions that only allowed me to see the darkness within. I refused to allow the people and circumstances of my past traumatic experiences to be my jailers. I refused to let others and their demented actions control my here and now. I decided that I would brave the unknown places out of the box. I would explore more fully the people and places that had the potential to trigger my emotional trauma. I decided that I would be whole again. I decided that no matter what it cost me emotionally the price was not too great to be free.

I can say that today I am out of that box. I still have the memories and details of the events that brought me to the place I felt I needed the box. But, I am free truly free from the terror, fear, anxiety, anger and rage that were the materials my box was built from. 

I have installed windows and doors, skylights, and yes even basement exits, all with clear clean glass that allows me to now live with the light of truth streaming into my box. The world around me has changed. Or maybe I just came out of darkness into light and realized that the Past Trauma Stealing my Destiny is now Present Triumph Sealing my Deliverance!

Sharon Woolbright

written: July 24, 2016 (updated Sept. 2018)

Comments

Candy, was so good to meet you and David on Saturday. Looking forward to keeping in touch with you via email. Please call or email me any time. I hope to be able to post on this page soon.

Sharon, I'm looking forward to this page

Great article open honest and God directed
Thank you

My pleasure Deb, I pray we suddenly find ourselves walking in the fullness of our spiritual adult positions and begin to fully function in the power of His friendship!